The hardest thing about writing this post is that I’ll be called a pussy. The hardest thing about writing this post is that I’ll be emasculated, abused, realised and defamed. The hardest thing about writing this post is that it makes me vulnerable.
As a 16 year old male growing up in a sexualised, gender split world with expectations growing I find myself scared. I find myself wondering if I can explain and open up to my friends, I worry that taking off my mask will leave a thin penetrable dust membrane around me.
24 hours ago a girl came to stay at my house that wanted to take my virginity. I imagined the night going that we’d have a couple of drinks snuggle down, talk get to know each other and if I was luckily make out. Within an hour and a half of her arriving she was on top of me giving me a blowjob. I wanted to take things slow but I didn’t want to annoy her as she was far more experienced sexually than I am. As the night progressed we did a lot of different things but never had sex.
I feel I need to write this to show that in this developing world not every guy is looking for a quick fuck or a girl to suck him off then leave. I’ve been reading too many feminist articles and not enough equalist pieces. As a young man I get blasted with messages of how i should treat men and women completely different and the perfect way for me to act. I feel that not conforming to these ideals makes me subject to invasion and the exposure of who I really am.
I feel that growing up I was privileged; I was privileged in the sense that I knew love and empathy. Growing up with parents who had such a diverse range of friends and family; gays, lesbians, cross dressers, cancer patients, dementia sufferers, young, old, fat, skinny, Indian, American. I learnt at a young age to love, and while this beautiful young woman who had opened up to me emotionally and physically lay on top of me, I realised I didn’t love this girl.
I feel that if at any time in history, this present and modern day is where we must treasure ourselves and those around us most. I found while I was with her, something that many of my friends had said goodbye to and thrown away as young as 13, 14 and 15 that i wasn’t ready to part ways with it, my virginity. I realised that something that we talk about casually every day, women, bitches, sluts, tits and ass became a lot more real and astoundingly surreal.
I felt that while i was ready physically and mentally, I wasn’t emotionally. I feel that sex has grown detached from our minds and souls and has become about two body parts excreting fluids. I think that to write this down is to try and help anyone who’s been in this position and failed themselves, or cant wait to be in the position i was because the decision isn’t easy. I gave myself a little pep talk, i was sure i could do it, but when i looked into her eyes, when I cupped her breasts, when i hugged her tight. i felt nothing. And as a 16 year old male teenager I found it surprising that as my penis was fondled and groped by her i couldn’t orgasm. I couldn’t love her. I couldn’t have sex.